What to Say to Someone Who Is Grieving

​What to Say to Someone Who Is Grieving
 
I still remember that when my sister had just passed away, and I saw someone I knew at the shops. I was about to walk over to say hello, but they quickly ducked away. Later, when I asked them about it, they admitted they did not know what to say to me, so they avoided me altogether.

It was not because they did not care. They simply felt uncomfortable and afraid of getting it wrong. And I think many people can relate to that feeling.

When someone we care about is grieving, many of us suddenly become unsure what to say. We worry about getting it wrong. We overthink our words. Sometimes we avoid reaching out altogether because we do not want to make things worse.
Yet for many grieving people, what matters most is not having the perfect words. It is knowing they are not alone.

This year, on the third anniversary of my sister’s passing, my cousin sent me a message with a photo of the two of them together and shared how much he missed her. He remembered the date. He remembered her. And he reached out to let me know he was thinking of both of us.

It made a huge difference to know that someone else still remembered her, recognised that this day might be difficult, and took the time to reach out. It was not about the words; it was about connecting when needed.
 
What actually helps:
Grief can be difficult to sit with, both for the person experiencing it and for those around them. It is not something that can be immediately fixed, and there are no perfect words. Support is often less about knowing exactly what to say and more about being willing to show up, listen, and provide space for the grief to just be.

There are some things that you can say in those moments that might be helpful:
“I am so sorry for your loss.”
“I’m here with you.”
“This is really hard.”
“It’s okay to feel however you’re feeling.”
“I don’t know exactly how this feels for you, but I’m here to listen.”
“I can sit with you, if that helps.”
“I’ll check in with you again soon.”
“Would it help if I bring a meal, run an errand, or stay with you?”

Helpful support can also look like:
Sitting with someone in silence
Listening more than speaking
Using the name of the person who died
Offering practical support such as meals, appointments, or company
Checking in over time, not just immediately after the loss
Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, and meaningful dates
Sharing memories and stories about the person who died
Remembering the person as a whole human, not just an idealised version of them

Many grieving people appreciate knowing that their loved one is still remembered.
 
What not to do:
Most unhelpful comments are usually said with very good intentions. People often want to reduce pain, offer hope, or make sense of what has happened. However, some phrases can unintentionally minimise grief, make people feel misunderstood or cause hurt.

Here are some commonly said phrases, and what you could replace this with:
Instead of saying: “They are in a better place.”
You could try: “I can see how much you miss them.”

Instead of saying: “Everything happens for a reason.”
You could try “This feels really unfair.”

Instead of saying: “I know how you feel.”
You could try: “I can’t fully know how this feels for you, but I’m here to listen.”

Instead of saying: “it has been 10 years, it is time to get over it”
You could try: “it has been 10 years, what a milestone. How are you feeling?”

The golden rule is: validation and acknowledgement are more supportive than trying to create meaning or aiming to take the pain away.
 
Grief continues:
One of the things people often forget is that grief can last far longer than most people expect. Support is often strongest in the beginning, but grief continues long after everyone else has returned to their normal routines. There is no correct way to grieve, and there is no timeline people need to follow. Grief is not something that needs to be solved. It is something that needs to be carried, witnessed, and shared.

And while no words can take away the pain of loss, being remembered, acknowledged, and not left alone in the grief can make all the difference.

If you would like to learn more about the different ways grief can show up, you may find my article 7 Common Responses to Grief and Loss helpful.

Grief can be a complex and deeply personal experience. If you would like support navigating grief and loss, you can learn more about my counselling services or find my contact details.