 What's wrong with me? Understanding trauma-related shame
Many people think trauma leaves behind fear. And sometimes it does. But trauma can also leave behind something much quieter. Shame. Not the feeling of "I did something wrong." But the feeling of "there is something wrong with me." Over the years, I have worked with many people who carry this belief without even realising it. They describe themselves as broken. Too much. Not enough. Difficult. Weak. Unlovable. Yet when we look more closely, these beliefs often did not begin with them. They developed in response to experiences that were overwhelming, painful, or unsafe. When shame becomes a survival strategy Children naturally look to the adults around them to make sense of the world. When things go wrong, children rarely conclude that the adults have failed them. Instead, they often conclude that they themselves are the problem. "If I was better, this wouldn't be happening." "If I wasn't so difficult, people wouldn't get angry." "If I was more lovable, people would stay." These beliefs can make painful experiences feel more understandable and predictable. In the short term, they can help make sense of what is happening and get through difficult circumstances. The problem is that they often continue long after the danger has passed. Trauma can live on in the present Many people are surprised to discover that shame continues to influence their lives years or even decades later. It can show up as: • Harsh self-criticism • Perfectionism • People-pleasing • Difficulty accepting compliments • Feeling like a burden • Constantly comparing yourself to others • Believing you are never quite good enough These responses are often mistaken for personality traits. In reality, they can be the lasting impact of experiences that taught someone they were responsible for things that were never theirs to carry. The problem is not you One of the most powerful shifts can be recognising that shame often develops for a reason. At one point, these beliefs may have helped someone survive difficult circumstances. That does not mean they are true. Understanding where shame comes from allows us to begin responding to ourselves differently. With curiosity instead of criticism. With compassion instead of blame. With understanding instead of judgement. Moving forward Healing from trauma is not about pretending difficult experiences never happened. It is about recognising that what happened to you is not the same thing as who you are. If you have spent years believing that you are the problem, it may be worth asking a different question: What if the problem was never you? If you would like support exploring the impact of trauma, shame, and self-criticism, you can learn more about my counselling services or contact me via contact details. Comments are closed.
|